New Year’s Resolutions

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my practice and what it is I believe in, and what I want to be doing both magically and spiritually. I have had a bit of a lapse these past couple years where, while I still did practice on occasion, my witchcraft kind of fell to the back burner while I sorted out my life and this whole being an adult thing. And that’s fine, I know that Loki was beside me every step of the way as I made my life into what I wanted it to be right now, and that he’ll still be beside me as I continue to move forward in my mundane life as well as my magical one. I’ve felt little nudges from all my gods in all walks of my life, and while they certainly did not go ignored (I know better then to ignore a god) some of them did go unfulfilled while I prioritized the things in my life sort of wrongly. So, I’m making some magical, spiritual, and mundane New Years Resolutions so that I might get myself on a better track.

1.Read Tarot more often. This is something I used to do every single day, and it fell very far back in my practice. I enjoy divination, I’m good at it, but I have a hard time practicing when my space is cluttered and executive dysfunction kicks my ass sometimes and I don’t clean my room. So, I’m making a resolution to find a clear space and practice tarot AT LEAST twice a week, if not more, to get back in the swing of things.

2.Keep my space clean. This goes without saying as something that is important and something I haven’t been doing very well. Everyone falls behind a little, life catches up, you get tired and sore and dare I say a little lazy at times, and that’s ok. But I am resolving to try to keep things as clean as possible so I don’t fall too far behind.

3.Practice spellwork, or work on my grimoire every week. This doesn’t sound like a lot of time spent on spellwork, but when I say my magic really fell to the back burner, I mean it really fell to the back burner. I have been having a very hard time juggling my job and my writing and my practice and my life, it is hard. I’m not good at it yet. I only do spells when I think I need to, and I forget that spells can be done for little things too and that’s good practice. So I’m vowing to actively work on my spellwork or grimoire once a week, and to more often do little magic.

4.Stop eating so much goddamn fast food. Twice a month. I am limiting myself to twice a month. My laziness and unwillingness to cook at the end of the day has won me over far too many times, and I suffer for it. Even if I end up eating a pb&j for supper, I will not go through a McDonald’s after work just because I do not want to cook. It will be better on my body and on my wallet.

5.Establish a physical altar in my home. Ever since I moved into this apartment I haven’t had a physical altar at which to worship my gods. This has been fine, our relationship seeming more casual and relaxed as I offer them things at my kitchen counter or outside on the deck, and that’s okay but I have been missing a space at which to worship. My statues and things I have bought or made for the gods over the years are all around my apartment like decorations and I am fine with that because everywhere I look I am reminded of them. However, I do want an altar, just a simple little altar where I can offer, kneel in prayer, talk to them and feel like I am addressing something. This is difficult with two playful kittens in my house that like to knock everything they can get their paws on onto the floor, but this year I resolve to find a way to set up an altar, whatever form that may take for me, by the end of the year.

6.WRITE EVERYDAY. I know, I know. I’m a writer. I should have already been writing everyday. I actually am pretty good at following this one, the problem is I’m not WRITING WHAT I SHOULD BE WRITING. I had three whole weeks off from work for the holidays and I didn’t touch my novel once!?!? What is wrong with me?? I was gonna finish it!!! So, despite the fact that this one should be obvious I resolve to WRITE AT LEAST ONE GODDAMN PAGE OF MY NOVEL EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

7.Exercise. Yeah, I know, this one is on everyone’s resolution list every single year and often gets ignored. I mean, it’s only so far down because I’m not sure I’m actually gonna do it. I know I should. I really hate it. But I’ll ease myself back into it slowly and see where it goes from there. I know it’s good for me in the long run.

8.Figure out my Lucifer thing? It has been persistent and oddly present for the last few weeks, and I’m not sure I can just ignore it until he finally pops out of the woodwork and smacks me with it like Loki did. For one, I’m not sure he would, and for two, I’m not sure he’s even really there. I mean, I wrote a whole thing on why cross pantheon worship bothers me, but I think I’m just gonna have to bite the bullet and talk to Loki about it. I’m not fully committed to the idea of worshipping the devil, but I have to admit it is seductive to say the least. So I suppose my resolution is to do some more research, talk to Loki about my cross pantheon hang ups, and figure out how I feel about the whole Lucifer thing.

Yeah, so that is it. These are my resolutions for 2019, both magical and mundane. Hopefully I stick to even half of them because I am a notorious giver-upper. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Merry Yule!

The snow in the moonlight,
Peaceful, calm, and serene.
Creatures that lurk
in the wood, unseen.
The wailing of spirits,
The small footsteps of faeries,
while we’re deaf to their sounds
with our own making merry.
An offering glass
raised in adoration.
Both tears shed and laughter spent
in love and celebration!
Put a log on the hearth fire,
for that is the rule.
And may the Gods bless us all
on this Merry Yule!

— A.M

The Trickster Devotee Adopts a Couple of Tricksters

So, here’s the thing. I have these two wonderful, adorable kittens, and I love them very very much. But, if you, too, have made the wonderful mistake of adopting kittens, you know what a handful they can be! Even with all my efforts- and I assure you my kitties are spoiled!- I cannot keep up with their demands for constant stimulation, and they get bored. They get bored with playing with the billion toys they have strewn all over the house, and they get bored of playing with each other, and they even get bored of playing with me. And they break shit. Specifically my shit. Sometimes my roommate’s, or my landlord’s shit. I give them a little heck, play with them until they’re tired, reward them for good behaviour, and move on. You know, cat mom stuff.

I’m not in the habit of saying my pets are special or better than anyone else’s pets, and I don’t mean to say that now when I say- I’ve had cats all my life and I have never had cats like these. They are smart. They absolutely know when they are doing something wrong and they do it on purpose. They’re like toddlers, doing the thing mom said no to when mom walks out of the room so you know she won’t catch you. I know this, because they have this look. This “Hands-caught-in-the-cookie-jar look”, this “I-promise-I-didn’t-do-it look”, this “look-mom-I’m-an-innocent-angel look”. It simultaneously endears them to me and drives me completely batty. I adore it, despite the fact that it means they just messed with my shit they know they aren’t supposed to mess with.

They know their names, too, and they know each other’s names and when it’s the other one getting in trouble and not them! I know because if I notice one of them going to do something I don’t want them to, I’ll say their name in a warning tone and they will freeze and stop what they are doing (most times). But despite me using the same voice for each of them, when one is getting in heck the other one won’t flinch. Sometimes they’ll even look at the other one like a child who wants to see their sibling get in trouble and gloat about it. I’ve had cats who’ve known their name, but the idea of a cat who knows other pets names never occurred to me. And perhaps that’s just my fault for being closed minded. I don’t know.

Now, I’ve always thought that I took these cats in of my own volition. Totally my own thought, my own desire. But lately I’ve had a thought. A thought that a certain beloved Trickster of mine might have had a little something to do with them entering my home. And I know that seems farfetched, and that I should have some better discernment, and realize not everything is godly intervention, and I know! But let me explain my thought. Let me tell you the story of how my fur babies came into my life and why I think they were a blessing from my lovely Trickster God.

This is Boba Fett, on the day I brought him home, last June. He was two months old and I adopted him from a local lady whose cat had just had kittens. I think she often has kittens to give away, as she has three unspayed female cats. This is how he came to be with me:

I was sitting in my apartment one day, by myself. My roommate wasn’t home, I had just finished cleaning my living room and I was sitting in it and sort of half scrolling through social media on my phone and half just being content with life and my own thoughts. Suddenly, I thought: I want a cat. So, I texted my friend who has three cats and asked her where she had adopted them from. She gave me the lady’s name, I messaged her on Facebook, and within the hour I had claimed a cat. I had to wait a week before I could pick him up, but he was mine. I went out and bought the necessary supplies right away.

Now, I suppose that all sounds rather mundane if you don’t know me. I assure you, it is not. I am not a spontaneous person. I’m very anxious, and very easily stressed out. I have to plan things well in advance before I do them. I don’t make impulsive decisions often outside of the occasional impulse buy at the grocery store. Just “getting a cat” was a big deal. Getting a cat within the hour of having the thought “I want a cat” is a big deal.

It has never occurred to me until now that that thought could have come from somewhere other than myself, and that maybe it was fate, or even just a little divine nudging, that brought Boba into my life.

And here he is now, at eight months old, a huge pain in my ass, and a constant warmth in my heart:

Fast forward to September. I’m scrolling through Facebook, and on our local animal shelter’s page is a post from a woman with a plea: a kitten has been abandoned on her doorstep and she hasn’t a clue how to take care of it, nor does she really like cats. Attached to the post was a picture of one of the most beautiful kittens I’ve ever seen in my life. I knew, though, if I got this kitten I wouldn’t have the money to get it fixed. And I am a strong believer in spaying and neutering your pets. So, I texted the picture to my roommate asking him if he wanted to also adopt a cat, because I really wanted to rescue her, but I knew I didn’t have the money to do it properly. A little convincing was in order. Eventually, my roommate told me that he didn’t want to adopt a cat because when the time came for us to no longer be roommates, he didn’t want to split them up. BUT, he said, I could adopt the cat, and he would pay to get her fixed as my Christmas present.

I had messaged the lady within twelve minutes of the plea being posted and drove out of town to get the kitten the very next day.

And so Domino came into our lives.

This is Dom the day we took her home.

She bonded to Boba instantly and they have been best friends ever since.

They are the light that keeps me going sometimes. And sometimes they are my biggest stressor. And I know that that is just the way of things when you have pets and want to look after them properly. I nearly had a mental breakdown trying to keep them away from my Christmas tree. But I also calm down immediately when I’ve got one or both of them snuggled up on my chest. Nothing makes me happier. Or frustrates me more.

And doesn’t that remind you of someone?

Maybe I just had a stroke of spontaneity these days, or maybe I did have a little push from Loki to adopt a couple of furry friends, but either way, they’ve been the embodiment of mischief since I’ve had them. A little source of chaos in my otherwise boring and orderly life. And it’s just so something Loki would do. To invite little creatures into my life to throw me out of rhythm, get me out of my rut, make a good mess for me to clean up, give me something to focus on outside of myself sometimes.

And I love Him for it.

And I love them for it.

Loki, Lucifer, and my Personal Thoughts on Cross Pantheon Worship

A thought just occurred to me today that I have been writing a lot of Lucifer centric things lately and getting a lot of Luciferian sort of feels. Now, that in and of itself does not mean anything, and normally I would just dismiss it, except this isn’t the first time I’ve wondered about Lucifer in regards to my practice and not just in an educational sort of way.

See, the thing is I always imagined that if I did decide to engage in cross pantheon worship it would be with certain Greek deities I’ve always felt strongly about. And that’s not to say that I can’t do that as well, it’s just that I’ve always had a weird sort of aversion to cross pantheon worship. A personal aversion. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I have no way of putting this feeling into words.

I follow many great people across pagan social media who worship deities of many pantheons and are quite happy and successful, and I’ve always thought “that looks nice, I wish I could do that.” But I can’t. And I don’t know why. I’ve sworn no oaths. There’s no reason I can’t happily worship the nine Norse gods I do now and extend the family into Greek territory, and possibly to Lucifer as well? I’ve always thought, you know, “oh I’ll branch out eventually. I’m new at this so I’m only taking on what I can handle for now.” But I’ve been going on like this for years. You never really stop feeling “new at this” if you never try anything new! When will I feel comfortable enough to just do it? Or when will I just kick myself in the ass and say, “today’s the day”?

Part of it is this anxious tingle I get when I think of it that Loki might be jealous. Yet I have not discerned whether this is coming from him or just me, and he’s not said anything about it. I guess I could just ask him, but… I feel foolish. Honestly, I just feel foolish because if he had no problem with me branching off to worship other gods why should he now just because they’re from another pantheon?

Part of it, too, is that when Loki first came into my life (almost seven years ago now I think it was!) HE came to ME. I had just dipped my toes into witchcraft the year or two before and wasn’t sure I wanted to practice paganism, or what deities to approach if I did, and after I had fretted about it for months on end he appeared to me in a very personal dream, made damn sure I knew who he was, got my attention in a very intimate way and said “You are Mine.” After working with him for a while though, he practically pushed me toward Thor and Odin. The others fell in naturally or I reached out to them after I was comfortable doing so myself.

Am I hesitant toward other pantheons because I feel they should come to me? That’s awfully self centred of me, they are Gods after all. Why should they come to me when they see me working happily with another pantheon I’ve been comfortable in for years? Or, am I hesitant because Loki’s message of “You are Mine” runs so deep that I think he means I shouldn’t work with anyone else unless he suggests it first?

Regardless of why, this hesitance to branch out outside of my pantheon is something I will have to overcome if I do feel called to deities outside of it.

Secondly, Lucifer. That’s a big thing for me, having been raised Catholic. You want to cut all ties and beliefs from that time when you leave it for another path, but Catholicism is a cult, and conditioning runs deep. Fear of the Devil is not a thing easily overcome. The urge to paint him entirely in a villain role when I feel overwhelmed or scared will be too high. And I know that he may not deserve that.

The thing is, I like the Lucifer as Fallen Angel story. I like Lucifer, the only one brave enough to stand up to God. And Lucifer, leader of the damned because goddamnit as a queer, catholic-raised pagan, damned is entirely how I feel. And I’ve been writing a lot of exploratory poetry about reclaiming that word “damned” or the feeling of being “damned” as a queer person. Damned, monstrous, sinful, what have you- people always say it and I don’t think it should have the power to hurt me anymore. I wanna wrap it around me like a cloak and say “Yes. This is mine.” And that’s where Lucifer has become seductive for me.

Another thing, though, is I really hate it when people compare Loki and the Devil. Loki is the first god I ever loved, he’s saved my life, gave me freedom and happiness. I love Loki with all my heart, and usually when people make this comparison they are trying to frame him with Christian morals that just don’t work in a Norse myth context, and say that he is evil. Now, we could argue about Ragnarok until the cows come home but I didn’t make this post to discuss my feelings about Ragnarok. I love Loki. Plain and simple. And I do not believe that he is evil, in the purest sense of the word. Loki is not hatred for hatred’s sake, he is hard earned rage. But enough about that.

The thing is, the things I am finding now attractive about Lucifer are the things that initially attracted me to Loki. I am exploring, and learning, and twisting my views and painting Lucifer in this new light, and realizing that there are similarities between them, and I’m not sure if I am comfortable with that, given my catholic background. But ultimately if I can get past my conditioning and my biases, then I think I will find that I do like Lucifer in a pagan sense, and then what?

What do I do then? How will I know that I actually want to work with him? How will I know that HE wants to work with me? Am I comfortable, despite never promising him anything, working with another deity without Loki’s blessing? Do I actually NEED to branch out of my pantheon? Does any of this mean anything, anyway? Am I getting worked up over nothing? Should I just turn to myself and say “Stop it, Amelia, you’re being silly”?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I just don’t know.

Flames: A Lokean Poem of Devotion

There’s a flame in your eyes,
And a fire in your heart,
And the warmth is engulfing,
It’s overwhelming, it’s intense, but
I’ve never felt better.

There’s drums in the air,
And I don’t know how to dance
But it’s okay because you’re leading
And I know I’m safe even if
I look like a fool.

You pull the rug out from beneath my feet
And my whole world turns upside down.
But I know you’ll catch me,
You never let me hit the ground,
Just make sure I’m having fun falling.

And they say you’re a devil with a silver tongue
But they don’t see that that’s
Part of your charm.

And the flames get hotter,
And the drums beat louder,
And I’m falling faster,
But I know I’m alive.

And if it never stops,
That would be okay.
But I know as soon as I get comfortable
You’ll switch it up,
And everything will be new again.
And I’m looking forward to it.

slavicafire:

blessed be the weird, the outcasts, the unruly; the mad, the strangers, the wanderers without harbour. saints of loneliness and patrons of struggle, those devoured by guilt and those ravaged by longing; all hail the tired, the lost, the forgotten.

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